To be accepted, loved, seen, and heard are the things that we ache for from the people that we love. As if, by getting these things, our sense of self is validated, which led me to have this intense longing to be approved.
Since I was young, I have done everything I could, joining anything and everything if I thought it would make my parents notice me. As the youngest child of a family of eight, my siblings and I didn’t grow up that close because they were always close in age, and I grew up with only my “Yaya” beside me.
My siblings would even joke around, saying that I was adopted or that I was born a mistake because my parents wanted to have a son. I was born four years after they had my brother, and my sisters were already in their teenage years.
Our family wasn’t always blessed financially, which meant that even though we had little money, my siblings grew up with my parent’s guidance. Back then, my parents were hands-on in raising them. However, by the time I was born, our family business flourished, and with that came a lack of time for me. I was entrusted to multiple helpers throughout my early childhood.
I remember when I was around 4 or 5, I would see my cousin, who was a year younger than me, being carried by my uncle, and I would see them happily playing. I would get so jealous. I remember wanting my own father to do that for me, to play with me. However, it was very rare when I got to spend time with my dad.
So I did everything. I joined competitions in school, representing my school in the hopes that my parents would notice me. But during the awarding ceremonies, my “Yaya” would be there instead of them, my parents. I craved my parents’ love and affection, and that was my childhood memory until I became an adult.
At first, I did everything to excel in anything I did. That was my way of pleading with them to take notice of me. However, when the darkest moment in our family happened, my cry for attention also turned to the dark side. At the young age of 14, I did almost everything that I should have only done when I became an adult. I started drinking and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I stopped going to class, and I even stopped coming home, hoping that one of my parents would start calling me and asking me to come home. But the calls never came. So I would come home after a few days, hungover, disappointed, and angry. Then I would disappear again, hoping that this time they would start looking for me. But they never did.
Nurturing the Soul Within
I was lucky, though, to have met a mentor who became a father figure to me and changed the course of my life. He showed me that there was another path for me. So for years, he taught me how to see things from a different perspective, how to assess myself, and what I needed to cultivate. He introduced me to self-help books and more. I worked on myself for years, slowly changing my mindset with guidance from my mentor.
By the time I reached my early 20s, I had achieved many things that a lot of adults hadn’t. I bought two cars and created a business that was earning six figures on a weekly basis. I was proud, thinking it was finally time for my family to take notice of my achievements. But boy, was I wrong. At the height of my success, self-doubt started creeping in, and I began self-sabotaging. I felt like I didn’t deserve all this because what’s the point? They wouldn’t notice anyway. I remember having that exact thought, and it shocked me why I had those thoughts. As it turned out, after months of internalizing, I realized I was still yearning for approval from my parents. When I did not get it, I spiraled down.
That’s when I realized that in order for me to be on top and stay on top, I needed to stop seeking approval and start loving myself instead. I stopped my business and went back to working in the call center industry. At the same time, I continued my sessions with my mentor to further dig into the root cause of my triggers. Because I learned that if I do not find out the root cause, I will eventually be making the same self-sabotaging mistakes.
I had my fair share of ups and downs, but everything changed when I started to truly focus on myself. A year ago, I decided to start journaling. I even named my journal “Journey to Self-Growth.” I created a morning routine where I would wake up at 4:30 in the morning, start journaling, do my affirmations, and find five things that I am grateful for. This is when my journey to self-love began when I started to choose peace above anything else.
And that was when everything fell into place. Anything I wanted to be manifested before my very eyes, and every day, I kept asking my higher self to put me on the right path, to lead me to the future that I know I need and deserve. I got the job I wanted, and I got married to the man I thought I would spend my whole life with.
But as I got busy with work and adjusting to my new married life, I started neglecting my morning rituals. And everything came crashing down. My biggest fear, one of the most painful traumas from my childhood, happened to me again, and this time, I was put in a role where I felt the pain directly. My world came crashing down.
I realized I wasn’t fully healed, that I hadn’t fully learned to love myself. I still had childhood traumas that I needed to release from my life. I needed to forgive myself, my parents, my family, and my husband. But even in the midst of it all, the pain, the betrayal, the feeling of loss and confusion, I still firmly believed that I was loved by the Universe and that everything was happening for a reason.
Another mentor came, and I already knew this was coming too. He came into my life and suggested meditation, something I lacked during my journey to self-love and growth. I did as I was tasked, knowing it was another guidance from my higher self and the beloved Universe.
This time, I restarted my journaling and incorporated morning meditation. And so, my journey to healing, my journey to self-love began. I have learned so much in the past couple of months, but I truly started healing when I began meditating.
I learned how important it is to set an intention for the day, and how I want my day to be. I learned how to sit still and feel all the overwhelming emotions without doing anything, just letting them be until they pass. I have learned to appreciate being alone. And I have learned to accept things as they are and be grateful for the experiences I have had in this lifetime.
But most of all, I learned that whatever we are going through, our life doesn’t stop there. Even when I am at a pause, the world around me continues to move forward, and that is the magic that the Universe showers upon us. Not all of us are aware of the magic of new beginnings. The magic to begin again, much wiser and a little bolder than a minute ago.
Every day, I am learning to let go of everything. Every day, I am learning to be in the moment, to love every little detail of my day. Because I know that what I do today, right now, becomes the past, and it won’t really matter because the past should stay in the past. We bring only what we learn and experience to make wiser decisions for our present and future. With this new mindset, I have learned to love everything I do, everything about myself, and the people around me. So WHY not live my life to the fullest? WHY not live to the best of my ability? WHY not create a life that I want, full of love, laughter, and peace?
But most of all, I learned that whatever we are going through, our life doesn’t stop there. Even when I am at a pause, the world around me continues to move forward, and that is the magic that the Universe showers upon us. Not all of us are aware of the magic of new beginnings. The magic to begin again, much wiser and a little bolder than a minute ago.
To me, peace looks a lot like coming home to this:
I have come a long way from seeking approval from others. Today, the only approval I crave is from myself, and I am learning to give it to myself on a daily basis. This is the biggest lesson I have learned from my Morning Meditation.
I know that my journey does not end here, and I still have a long way to go. However, I have discovered the magic of meditation and journaling, and I am more than willing to embrace this journey filled with excitement, wonder, and love for whatever life presents me with. I am aware that my life has only just begun, and I am incredibly happy and proud to say that I now have the tools, techniques, and rituals to guide me through it all. I am forever grateful, forever blessed, and forever loved. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and my eternal soul. My journey to self-love begins every day because every day is a new day indeed.
I would like to share this short clip of How to Practice Self Love
I vow to continue applying what I have learned from the audiobook “Morning Meditation” and promise to proactively share my knowledge with all those in need. This is my small way of giving back for the gift of peace that I have received. It doesn’t end here; it is only the beginning.
Every day is a new day.
Show up for yourself!
Self-love is self-growth!
-Abby❤️
